I have never turned back.
The ways of God were truly revealed to me. Sure, I could pray a prayer and do the religious deed, but God wasn’t in it. Why? Because I didn’t really need Him. God, I have found, is immensely practical. For a God of infinite grace, He is almost Amish in his reserve of resources. He only provides grace to those who need it, and ask for it in desperation.
God reserves his salvation for those who actually need salvation. Others need not apply. When I got on my knees and prayed the “sinner’s prayer” at twelve, I didn’t need God. Jesus was great, but he was just going to be a portion of my life, an unsought section of a shelf in the library of my life. I could have been a Christian at that point, but it would have meant nothing. And so I gained nothing.
But at thirteen, after a year of misery, shame, and struggling (and failing) with sin, I knew what I was missing. And I was ready to receive it. I did not become a Jesus Freak because it “fit” in my life or society. I became a Jesus Freak because if I didn’t have Jesus, I would continue in my misery, shame and sin. And that second option wasn’t acceptable. Which is exactly where God wanted me.
God isn’t tugging at the heart of every single one of the billions of the world, pleading, desperately hoping that we will take his salvation. Yes, God wants every person to be delivered from their suffering. But if people look at their suffering and call it joy, then he's willing to let them live with that delusion. He can let them experience that “joy” for years, deceiving themselves that they are living life at its fullest, when actually they are slowly but surely destroying themselves. And when they realize the destruction and suffering they are really experiencing, they might, at that point, turn to God.
And that’s where God wants us.
Crying out to him for help.
God wants us, not because we have our lives together. Just the opposite. He wants us because we’re helpless.